Depression.

That dark, lonely place of persistent and overwhelming sadness, emptiness, hopelessness. Getting out of bed seems impossible. Brushing your teeth seems overwhelming. Going out with anyone feels like torture.

You just cry all the time and hide in your room. You simply cannot function. Sleep eludes you. Nightmares haunt you. You think there is something wrong with you. You feel like the world’s biggest loser. You too embarrassed to tell people how you really feel. You find no joy in anything. Cheerful people make you want to scream, you actually just hate them!

Your business and work suffer. You lose all sense of purpose. You stop caring at all what happens to your job or business. In fact, you’ll be glad if it all just blows up in your face and you can just stay home forever and not do anything again, ever.

And then when your work is at that point, you realise you’re broke. Now you really start to panic and commence making rash decisions that will have long term consequences. But by now you’re so deep in the hole, you can’t even see daylight anymore. You just want to shut the world out till it all stops. In the extremes, you start planning your exit from this world.

Depression gripped my life for decades from my early 20’s. Joyless and loveless, in an enormous amount of debt, made plenty wrong decisions, shut everyone and everything out; wrote suicide letters.

On the surface, I looked perfectly “normal”, but underneath it all, I was drowning.

I can’t put my finger on what triggered my original depression. There was no major event that I can recall. I had an average childhood. I was having loads of fun in my 20’s. But somehow this darkness wouldn’t leave me.

What Did I Do About It?

It took years to come to terms with my depression. Here’s the journey. May it give you some strength.

1) I Got Help

Of all the things I did, this was the most important. There was just no way I was going to find my way back on my own. I am eternally grateful that I had the courage to pick up the phone and ask for help.

Admitting that I couldn’t cope was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.

Asking for help was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

I had a choice to either pick up the phone to buy the drugs that would end my life. Or phone my social worker and tell her I needed immediate help.

I chose the latter.

2) I Recognised my Rock Bottom

My social worker got me an appointment at a psychologist the same day.  I spent 10 minutes in her office, never having met her before. I told her my story, crying all the time. She asked me two or three random questions, then took out a pen and wrote me a prescription for drugs, told me to start taking them immediately. Meeting over.

By the second Grace of God, I first went home to look up these drugs to see what they were.

Turns out they were highly toxic, highly addictive, highly dangerous drugs that many people simply could not get off once they were on them! Forum after forum of desperate people who’s lives were ruined by the side effects.

And just like that, my turning point was reached. Everyone’s rock bottom is different. Mine was being condemned to dangerous pharmaceutical drugs for the rest of my life by someone I spoke to for 10 minutes.

I stared at that prescription for days.  My mind in total turmoil. I had decision to make :

I chose to get up.

3) The Long Journey to Recovery

I have been to every healer / modality you can think of in the past 30 years. Past life regression, holographic repatterning, hypnotherapy, reflexology, yoga, social worker, psychologist, reiki masters, tapping, NLP, psychics, mediums, sun gazing, church counsellors, colour therapy, laughter therapy, life coaches, business coaches, friends, family, meditations, endless books, endless research.

All of this contributed to me getting my life back on track in one way or another. It all touched a different aspect of my life, whether it be personal, romantic relationships, friendships, family, business, health or spiritual.

As I progressed with my healing, my journey with the one healer would end and the next one would appear. It was Divine Timing and Intervention the whole way. I was never alone.

They shared their knowledge with me, gave me strategies I could do, held my hand. Ultimately, the only person that could heal me, was me. I had to do the work myself. I had to make the daily decisions that would take my life in a different direction.

Slowly but surely though, I got stronger again. The clouds started to part. The sun started to shine.

I got up close and personal with my Higher Self. Shone a torch on all my shadows to integrate my perceived “bad” bits into myself.

During this process, I awakened and then started learning the spiritual reasons behind illnesses and depression and hard times. That’s when I really started to make peace with it.

I kept that prescription pinned to my notice board as a constant reminder of what my life could have been life if I chose differently.

4) The Hard Work Starts to Pay Off

The training and groundwork I learnt from the many people I went to for help, permanently changed the way I think.

When I almost lost my company and was dropped in R720 000 debt because of the Zuma-fication recession as I called it, I had the learned strength and resilience to stand fast and keep my company running. It took me 2 and a half years to pay back every single cent.

When I was subject to hostile takeovers of my company, I had the most wonderful Earth Angel walk into my life and teach me life skills and self-respect that I have to this day. I called her Sophie the Light because she brought me back to the light.

When my life was brought to a halt for 2 years by falling head over heels in love with a dangerous, ex con drug addict, the 12 step AA program run by a church quite literally saved my life. Without the grounding from my depression years, I don’t know that I would have escaped this mind-numbingly toxic relationship, church or no church.

5) What Life Looks Like Now

After all the drama, life is extremely good! My business is 100% stable, I’m married to a wonderful man, I live on a glorious farm, my health is excellent despite being chubby, my state of mind is stronger than ever, my finances are great, I’m debt free, I take no medication whatsoever.

The main depression subsided and was faced with shorter versions of it over the years. But thanks to my decades of work to turn it around, I don’t fight it anymore.

I know what my triggers are. I know what I still need to work on. I know what I am good at. I’ve learned to appreciate myself and the light I can bring to the world. I can share my knowledge with those ready to receive it.

I still have bouts of sadness. But now I know they are short term. They seldom last longer than a week, sometimes two. But no more than that. I let it wash through me now. I don’t try feel better. I sit in the negative feelings and let them be. The people around me know when I am doing this and they let me be. All the pressure is off to instantly feel better. I can’t. I need time to process things. But I know I’ll get up 10 times stronger.

I have also taught myself to create things when I feel like this. It took a long time, but now I have something to show for my depressive moments.

For me reiki has been my most empowering modality after the life coach I had. A decade of reiki has the most transformative effect on me. I’m calm and centered after reiki and ideas just flow through me. Meditation does the same for me.

What Does This Mean For You?

Be kind to people. You don’t know their true state of mind.

If you are suffering from depression, please know that you are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. Earth can be a seriously tough gig and it’s okay to feel depressed.

If you do nothing else about it though, tell someone. Ask for help. If you’re at your rock bottom, or nearing it, it will only take one phone call to turn your entire life around.

When you’re ready.